Erasmus 6

[1-5-1997]

Articolo del Prof. Matthew van Huyssteen (Roma, La Sapienza) su "The Informer"

THE NEW ITALIAN LOGIC - Lesson One (just what do you think you're doing here without political 'protection'?)

Teaching staff in Italian universities are either 'in', and hence docenti, or 'out', and hence not docenti. The term docenti is a difficult esoteric concept, but translated, roughly means 'real' university teachers as opposed to 'not real' virtual university teachers (you really need a thorough grounding in The New Italian Logic to understand this, but bear with me, lesson one will reveal it all). Docenti status does not depend on what one actually does in the classroom but on what 'they' say one does in the classroom - 'they' being.... well, the docenti themselves and their friends in the government, political parties and trade unions who have mastered the revolutionary science known as The New Italian Logic. If a docente, university bureaucrat, politician or trade unionist decrees that docenti really teach, that's it, they really teach. If they proclaim that foreign language lecturers (known in Newspeak as 'Collaborators and Language Experts') do not teach but merely 'collaborate' with docenti, then, they do not teach - they merely collaborate. That such 'collaborated-with' docenti do not actually, physically exist matters not - it is the pure and beautiful idea, the Platonic notion, that counts. And when a docente or friend announces that second language teaching is, by definition, 'merely auxiliary', then... so be it - all second language teaching becomes, from that moment, 'merely auxiliary'.

How is this possible? To find out, you only need to leave your antiquated reasoning patterns behind, put your thinking cap on and study the breath-taking argumentation patterns of The New Italian Logic!

Argumentation pattern one - eat yer heart out Aristotle!

The superior reasoning process here is fascinating and it goes like this:

premise - they do not teach conclusion - therefore, according to the iron laws of deductive logic, they necessarily collaborate with a 'docente' whether you see one or not. conclusion - therefore they do not teach

This sophisticated reasoning pattern, erroneously known to the rest of the world as the fallacy of inverting the premise and conclusion can now, thanks to yet another breakthrough of The New Italian Logic be added to humanity's bag of logical tricks. What makes it particularly astute is the neat little second conclusion which may seem circular but actually is not - it's more a sort of a kind of ellipse-like shape and thanks to Aristotle everyone knows that an ellipse is not a circle. Try it, it's fun and bound to flatten out hoseheads still bogged down by the limiting rigours of traditional argumentation.

Argumentation pattern two - it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, therefore it isn't a duck

This beauty was invented by none other than the head of a negotiating team for the Italian State. Here it is - listen! just because they hold lessons doesn't mean they teach

and quite right! Once again, the reasoning process is brilliant in its simplicity; apply deductive criteria when inductive criteria would normally be required and you can disprove almost anything; especially things that you want to disprove - not that personal interest enters into this case though. Dedication to theoretical purity by the proponents of 'The New Italian Logic' places them way above any mean and spiteful suspicion of applying these dynamic insights for personal use and nasty behaviours like discrimination on the grounds of nationality.

How is it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, therefore it isn't a duck applied to put the foreign language lecturers in their place? Easy. The argument goes like this.

premise one - they hold language lessons in lecture rooms in the Italian universities, write courses, design and choose their own materials and course objectives, write exams, mark exams, sit on exam commissions, do specialised courses for future engineers, doctors, teachers and the like (plus you name it)

premise two - there is a one in ten million, billion, trillion chance they are not humans, but disguised terminators from the planet Trafalmadore

premise three - even school kids know that terminators (whether disguised or not) are not teachers

conclusion therefore simply because foreigners hold language lessons in lecture rooms in the Italian universities, write courses, design and choose their own materials and course objectives, write exams, mark exams, sit on exam commissions, do specialised courses for future engineers, doctors, teachers and the like (plus you name it) does not mean they teach

Artfully blending this pattern with pattern one (itself is neat little blend of premise/conclusion inversion and elliptical Scholastic metaphysics) is bound to run circles around Bertrand Russell himself. A guaranteed winner.

Argumentation pattern three - all dogs have wings, Fido is a dog, therefore Fido has wings (also known as 'cogito ergo est')

Watch out, this one's complicated! It knocks holes into Descartes and it manages to bring together truth and validity (irritatingly, unnecessarily and wrongly separated by traditional reasoning) into one single, blisteringly convincing concept. Here it is

premise one - teachers and only teachers and nobody but teachers belong to the university decisional councils

premise two - lecturers do not belong to the decisional councils

conclusion - therefore foreigners who hold language lessons in lecture rooms in the Italian universities, write courses, design and choose their own materials and course objectives, write exams, mark exams, sit on exam commissions, do specialised courses for future engineers, doctors, teachers and the like (plus you name it) are not teachers.

This blockbuster was first used by the University of Rome in its defence in a court case brought up by the lecturers against the university. That the lecturers lost the first round is itself adequate proof of the power of all dogs have wings, Fido is a dog, therefore Fido has wings (also known as 'cogito ergo est') - be warned though and use with care. It is tough and you run the distinct risk of confusing yourself more than your opponent. It takes training and should probably only be used by people with scientific maturity. The awesome power of 'cogito ergo est' lies in the breakthrough intuition that arguments no longer need to be both true and valid, either one will do. Thus, the insignificant little detail that janitors and students also form part of the decisional councils in no way questions the argument. It is formally valid and therefore it is true too. Brilliant!

argumentation pattern four - sorting out the fly in the ointment, (or how to deal with rude and offensive counter arguments)

This one concerns probably the most powerful and convincing argument in The New Italian Logic, i.e. the mystical anointment resulting from doing a Pubblico Concorso (Public Entrance Exam) - whether it is rigged or not. Here it is.

Because lecturers have not done public entrance exams they cannot be considered 'docenti'

Here the New Italian Logic really surpasses itself. Pure untainted theory comes into headlong collision with unsolicited questionable research and truth prevails with dignity and conviction. First articulated for the edification of the European Parliament, it has since been used to great effect by such illustrious figures as Magnificent University Rectors, the Avvocatura dello Stato Italiano (the Italian State's Law Officers), and politicians and trade unionists valiantly fighting for the rights of the foreign lecturers. Its deep structure, here revealed for the first time ever, develops a rigorous dialectical progression based on advanced reasoning principles, cleverly expressed in a dynamic three-tier mathematico-logico construction.

part one (theory) - The New Italian Logic correctly argues that...

premise 1 - 100% of 'docenti' who have entered the university system through a public exam have entered the university system through a public exam

premise 2 - no foreign lecturer has entered the university system through a public exam

conclusion - therefore no foreign lecturer is a 'docente'

part two (practice) - in an open letter to 'La Stampa' Prof Pera (19.9.93) offers unsolicited research information (premise 1) which the opponents of The New Italian Logic use to falsely argue that...

premise 1 - over 80% of all 'docenti' have never actually done a public exam

premise 2 - no foreign lecturer has entered the university system through a public exam

conclusion - therefore the public exam issue is a red herring

part three (resolution) - The New Italian Logic (which once again has the final word) correctly argues that...

premise 1 - 100% of 'docenti' who have entered the university system through a public exam have entered the university system through a public exam

premise 2 - mathematics is no mere opinion

conclusion - therefore, 80% cannot possibly have entered without having done a public exam as 100% have already done one

grand conclusion - therefore simply because foreigners hold language lessons in lecture rooms in the Italian universities, write courses, design and choose their own materials and course objectives, write exams, mark exams, sit on exam commissions, do specialised courses for future engineers, doctors, teachers and the like (plus you name it) does not mean they are teachers

What else if left to do but lay down one's arms and submit to superior reason? Enter The New Italian Logic! Your opponents are vanquished and the stage is all yours now.

______

Conclusion

Space has allowed only four patterns to be illustrated. Next lesson we will have a look at the terrible twins: What you see is what you don't get and What you don't get is what you see. Both of these very different but easily confused patterns combine in a delightful pincer-like movement to prove beyond any doubt that, Whether you see it or not, foreigners holding language lessons in the Italian universities cannot be considered on a par with real university teachers. We will also reveal the inner logic of the subtle Get the hell back home sonny boy if you don't like our warm and loving welcome - this particularly elegant one has been refined and honed to perfection by none other than an ex-communist party Euro MP whose unfailing dedication to the lecturers? cause has earned her a well-deserved ovation from all sides. We might even consider trying out several other beauties like If you think caviar is healthy, try peanuts and Call a spade a spade, a 'docente' a collaborator and language expert and Bob's your uncle. In the meantime the malicious forces denigrating The New Italian Logic have pointed out that despite its formidable argumentative power, The New Italian Logic seems capable of proving only one conclusion, i.e. that the foreigners holding language lessons in the Italian universities cannot be considered on a par with real university teachers. A shocking travesty of truth! Indeed, the real power and beauty of The New Italian Logic is exactly the opposite - it can prove anything. Want a five-sided triangle? The New Italian Logic can do it! Want prove the earth is flat? The New Italian Logic can do it! Want to prove that foreigners teaching language in Italian universities are on a par with real university teachers? The New Italian Logic can..... Huh? Oh my God! It can't! Well, that just proves how evil these foreigners are. They've gone and put a bug in The New Italian Logic!

signed A friend p.s. free practice exercises, complete with devastating answers, may be obtained on the internet. Simply contact us at anythingoes@newlogic.ac'.it. Or join our chat on #warm_and_loving, IRC (Undernet) whenever you like - it's a gas!